You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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