The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
