his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
