I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
