Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
