I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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