TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm way too hungover for life right now
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
