I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
