What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
