eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
