What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
