i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
