Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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