I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
