dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
