i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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