A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
