Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she pinky promised me she was 18
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Randomize
