I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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