Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
