He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
