That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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