my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
