I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
