i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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