I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
