actually, I'm a sock model
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
