Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
