Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
