The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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