when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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