Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
