There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
