It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
It's blow job season.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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