I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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