Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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