Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
