oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
