Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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