The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
