How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
