I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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