dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
