Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
