Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
