I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
