I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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