You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
