Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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