I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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