This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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