God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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