Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Please, let me fuck your mom
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
