it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
