I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
