i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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