it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
