life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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