Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
