So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
