I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
