I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
